"My Skin" is a rather long High School AU Torchwood fic, featuring Jack/Gwen as the central pairing, with Owen/Crazy!Tosh also prominently featured. Since Jack has been paired off with Gwen, Andy is now gay and likes Ianto, who is actually in character for the most part and has feelings for Jack. They are all 17 and 18 year olds and attend a British secondary school together. All the major Doctor who characters make appearances, starting with the 9th doctor as Tosh's psychiatrist.
The writing in this fic is actually fairly good, at least to the extent that you get the idea that the writer has at least finished the 8th grade and cares about spelling and punctuation and such. And the general idea of the fic isn't bad. It's just sometimes hard to see past the lolwut.
Oh, and I still haven't figured out where the title came from.
Here's some examples of why this fanfic amuses me, with a few choice comments.
Chapter 1:
“Have you heard what Owen Harper did?” Ianto asked taking Gwen’s books for her without her asking.
“God what has that twat done now?” Gwen asked disgusted.
Owen Harper was the bad boy of the school. Gwen barely got on with him and tended to avoid him as much as possible. Rumours had it that Owen had been arrested by the police far too many times for drink driving, vandalism and mugging old ladies.
“I heard he snuck into the girls changing rooms, again” Ianto said wrinkling his nose up in disgust. “Only this time he stolen their bras”
So Owen is the resident bad boy. We get it. Not sure why you're interpreting the character that way, but we get it. But seriously, mugging old ladies?
Jack nodded. “Oi Owen, you and your new girlfriend can sit with us” Jack shouted waving a hand.
Owen rolled his eyes. “She’s not my girlfriend, she’s just some new girl that was dumped on me for punishment” he said pushing Gwen to the side so he can sit next to Jack.
Gwen glared at him but didn’t say anything to him. “Tosh, it’s been so long, how are you?” Gwen asked beaming up at Tosh.
“I’m fine” Tosh whispered monotonously.
Tosh has had a mental breakdown and is just returning to school, so the headmaster thinks it's a good idea to have the guy who mugs old ladies watch out for her. And why did Tosh have that mental breakdown?
Chapter 2:
The year before she failed miserably in Biology. She got a U; she never got a D in her life let alone a U before.
It broke her.
Yes, Tosh went all Ophelia on us because she failed biology. Interesting.
Jack expected Gray was getting in the wrong crowds, especially since one of his new found friends was Jack’s only ex-boyfriend John Hart. Who was in rehab for alcohol or was it drugs, hard to keep count on.
Capt. John is Jack's only ex-boyfriend? Yup, they've decided that Jack is now straight. Oh, and this is the only time in the fic that Gray or John are ever mentioned.
Chapter 4:
She was beautiful, smart and dedicated to her work. Something he only saw in doctors, the only people he admired more than anything other than his grandmother.
This is Owen's opinion of Tosh. He likes her because she reminds him of doctors?
Mary was anorexic. Worse that anorexic, she had delusions. Mary was convinced she was an alien in a human skin. Tosh had befriended her in both her lucid state and her insane state. Tosh was the only one she trusted and Tosh had now betrayed her by leaving the ward forever.
So now Mary is Tosh's crazy buddy.
Chapter 8:
“That’s all I ask” Dr Smith said smiling, he held out the plate of cake. “More banana cake, full of potassium”
Owen took a slice and took a bite. After he swallowed he looked around the room. “Lots of photos here” he observed. “Are they all your family?”
“Some. I lost most of my family but I have a picture of my step-siblings” Dr Smith handed a photo of a skinny brown haired man in a pinstripe suit and a redheaded woman giving him bunny ears. “Dr John Noble and his secretary Ms Donna Noble. Both very proud people, constantly bickering but then again Donna picks fights with everyone”
Okay, the whole thing is kind of confusing, but what I think they're getting at is that Tosh's psychiatrist, Dr. Smith is the 9th doctor (there's a vague physical description in an earlier chapter that seems to be pointing that way). But his step-brother is the 10th doctor.
Chapter 10:
“But I’m not gay!” Andy protested. “I’m not even camp!”
Gwen snorted. “Sure honey whatever you believe”
Andy spluttered as they opened Ianto’s bedroom door. “Ianto, tell Gwen I’m neither gay nor camp” he said flipping his blonde hair out of his eyes and putting his hands on his hips.
That's right, Andy, you're not camp. Oh wait, in this fic you are. Oops.
“I...i...i...never...really...well...watched a horror film before” Tosh confessed, her cheeks stained pink and her eyes wide with fright. “Or drink beer”
Oh crazy!Tosh... be all innocent and stuttery. Just like that.
Adam looked up from the book he was reading to see Suzie and Bilius standing at his doorway. He sighed. “You’re late, I thought you would come to yell at me last night” he said mildly as he looked back at his book.
Oh yeah, by the way the villains of this fic are Suzie, Adam and some guy named Billius. Who I think is supposed to be Bilus. But who cares about the spelling of your villains names, right?
Chapter 11:
“Ok” Jack grinned. “Once there lived a police officer. Nothing special just an ordinary girl with a boring boyfriend and an average job. One stormy night a murder had been committed and the crime scene was closed off for a special secret team. The girl being curious climbed up onto a fire escape and watched them...bring the person back to life”
Everyone laughed at Jack’s dramatic spooky tone and sat there listening as he told how the girl kept following the people who brought the murder victim back to life using a glove and how she was killed by one of them who went psycho. After Jack Ianto took over and told them a gruesome story about a man who had a half robot girlfriend hidden in the basement. The robot girlfriend went psycho and killed the man’s friends and then the man before taking over the world. Andy then jumped in with a very detailed story of an alien that got a woman pregnant by biting her, the next day she was nine months pregnant and it was her wedding day, the others shuddered at the thought of her laying there in her white dress all torn up and covered in blood once Andy had finished telling the tale. Gwen then told a creepy story about a group of friends gone camping near a village and each one of them went missing one by one. It was discovered later by the police that the teenagers had all been eaten by the villagers. Tosh then surprisingly spoke up and told a story about a mind-manipulator that destroyed a group of friends by making them believe everything. They ended up alive because they erased their memories of the two days but with one of them suffering flashbacks of his dead family, another believing he was a murderer, one forgot her boyfriend, and the other lost his self-confidence and another believed she was in love with the manipulator. It was enough to give everyone the shivers, all thinking about Adam. The story had hit a little too close to home.
Aah!!! The somewhat modified canon! It's so scary! Also, why is Andy telling the story of an episode he wasn't even in?
Chapter 13:
“Do you think Gwen will come back if you threaten me?” Jack snarled. “That she would love you if you killed Carys? That she would do anything for you if you keep slipping roses and chocolates and notes into her locker?”
“M-m-mate I have no idea what you’re on about” Rhys choked out. “I haven’t seen Gwen since the summer; I got a new girlfriend now!”
This scene is Rhys's only appearance in the whole fic. He is established to have broken up with Gwen shortly before the fic starts, so she can get paired off with Jack. But Gwen has this stalker, so Jack automatically decides it's the ex.
“Definitely” Ianto agreed holding up his flask. “Coffee?”
“Yes please” Gwen and Andy chorused together holding up their plastic cups.
“I have to say Ianto, you’re a brilliant coffeemaker” Jack said causing Ianto to blush.
Because no Torchwood fanfic is complete without Ianto's coffee skills.
Chapter 18:
“I’m Dr Eugene Green, the head of the board of governors of your school” Owen’s eyes widened. “I also own many businesses and have a very busy life. I hadn’t had the chance to watch you properly till now”
“Stalk me, you mean?” Owen spat out. “Why are you so bloody interested in me? I’m just a troublemaker”
“Ah but you’re my troublemaker. I remember the days before I ended my relationship with your mother, you were always running about and putting your grimy hands on everything you could get hold off” he smiled fondly at the memory. “I would have taken you with me if it wasn’t for the fact my life was not one for a child. But I’m glad to see you face to face after all these years, son”
Owen has been whining about how his parents abandoned him throughout the entire fic. And now... Owen, I am your father. Random much?
Chapter 19:
“Who are our Head Boy and Head Girl?” Andy asked.
“What you didn’t know?” Gwen asked stunned.
“Well our school isn’t exactly the best in communication, how many assemblies have we missed because we haven’t been informed?”
“None, you missed about thirty eight so far because of your late nights”
Andy flushed. “That’s not the point!”
“I believe Eugene and Janet are” Ianto said finishing his coffee. “I’m going to get some more, would any of you like some?” everyone made mumbled yeses passing their cups to Ianto.
“Eugene?!” Owen spat out, instantly thinking of his so-called father. Everyone stared at him wondering what he had against the sweet lad who couldn’t even harm a fly. “That alien obsessed freak, jeeze what were they thinking?” Owen said lightly trying to cover up his initial rage and hatred. “And Janet? Jeeze, she’s the most hideous girl in the whole of Cardiff, probably the world. She looks like something that lives in the dark, smelly sewers, smells like it too”
Okay, random information that doesn't really affect the plot in any way, shape or form. The head boy is a random one-episode character, and the head girl is Janet the weevil. Um, what?
Chapter 20:
“Me and Gwen are going out for dinner, I may not come home at all tonight” Jack said in a suggestive voice.
“Practise safe sex” Mr Harkness said from behind his newspaper. “I don’t want Alice to have a sibling just yet”
Okay, one: awkward. And two, yes they have included Alice, Jack's daughter, as a two year old. Jack is just now turning 18 in the story, which means he became a father at fifteen. Good for you Jack.
“Thank you Gwen” Tosh said quietly taking one and looking back, making sure the librarian could see her before she started to unwrap it. His little Tosh was getting more and more daring each day. “I’ll get you something on White Day”
“White Day?”
Tosh swallowed. “Oh yes, in Japan it's a custom that on the fourteenth of March who give a gift back to those who gave you chocolate. Preferably something white”
Fanfiction Tosh: 50% more Japanese than the canon one.
“Hello sweetheart, had a good time last night?”
“Erm...” Gwen said nervously.
“Don’t worry dear, I told your father you were staying at Tosh’s after the date. I believe you’re old enough to make your decisions, just use contraceptives, I’m not ready to be a grandmother just yet”
“Don’t worry Mum, I’m still on the pill and Jack used a condom” Gwen said blushing even harder. “I’m going to shower and get changed before getting into my homework”
So apparently Torchwood characters are just generally open to talking about such things with their parents.
Picking it up and turning it round, Gwen’s eyes widened, horrified to see only two words written in a dark red. It was not the words that horrified her as such but the smell.
She could smell the rustic copper of blood.
In blood two words were written.
Be Mine.
Gwen can smell two words worth of blood? Is she a vampire now?
Chapter 21:
“Owen Harper and this is Toshiko Sato” Owen said calmly, wrapping an arm round Tosh’s shoulders. “We’ve come to see Dr Smith”
“The Doctor?” she said, a sad smile had taken over the fake one. “He had spoken of you two, said you had great potential, he really wanted to teach the both of you when you became interns...wanted us all to come to Cardiff to meet you at some point....”
Both of the teenagers blushed lightly. “Thank you” Tosh whispered. “But....where is Dr Smith?”
“Oh god, I’m so sorry” Rose choked out, more tears spilling down her cheeks though she wiped them away furiously. “I’m so very sorry but...the Doctor...you see....he died, this morning, heart attack...I’m so very sorry”
Yes, you have a Rose Tyler telling you that the Doctor died of a heart attack. Interesting...
Chapter 22
The door opened and a young man, roughly thirty-ish with wild brown hair and dark eyes came in. His face softened when he saw Rose and he took her small hands into his large ones, pulling her off the desk and into his arms. “Oh, Rose” he whispered stroking her hair. “I’m sorry about this, I’m Dr John Noble and you are?”
So now the 10th doctor shows up. I guess the heart attack was symbolic for regeneration. Or something.
“Yeah,” Owen croaked, “good man”
“Owen” Tosh whispered, “It’s ok to cry”
Owen looked down to look at Tosh properly, her dark eyes were slightly bloodshot from all the crying she had done that past hour. He tried to smile but the sincerity and love and care in her eyes not to mention her own grief and sadness broke him. He grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face into her black silky hair and took a deep shaky breath.
And then he cried.
Your angst. It's making me giggle.
Chapter 24:
Gwen bit her lip thoughtfully. “Only if you take me to a hotel afterwards and a nice one”
Jack smirked filthily. “Next Friday?”
“Done” Gwen and Jack shook hands before Jack used Gwen’s hand to pull her close for a kiss, Alice immediately put her hands in away between their lips.
“No kissy ‘Wen. No kissy! Must be happy ever after like Grappa and Granma!” Gwen and Jack blushed lightly and the implications Alice was saying. She didn’t want them to kiss until they were married, if only she knew what they had done before Gwen met Alice, the poor girl would be horrified. “No kissy, ‘Wen must be Mummy! Be my Mummy, ‘Wen!”
Ok, the thought process there is a little complicated for a 2-year-old. Though I have to admit that "'Wen must me Mummy!" is kind of cute. Or it would be if Gwen didn't belong with Rhys. Oh, wait, they broke up before the fic even started.
The grabby git was too busy slobbering over Gwen to even realise how far his daughter had toddled off to, what a terrible father, good thing they were going to put the brat out of her misery before it was too late.
Dressed in black, sunglasses, hair covered with helmet, no one would ever recognised them and they could get away with it easily.
Also it’s a mercy killing. The child may be innocent now despite her selfish demands but eventually she’ll become a slag and slut just like her father is a man-whore and she’ll end up with more than just one kid.
Peddling furiously they felt a fulfilling satisfaction as their wheel hit the small body of the whelp and even more as they heard the thud of the brat landing on the pavement. They slowed down the moment they exited the park and laughed delighted as they heard the bastard Harkness howl in agony and pain.
“ALICE!”
Yeah, Gwen's stalker just ran over the 2-year old. I think with a bicycle, but it's not very clear. But, um, way to step up the angst. Not that you've convinced anyone that you're going to actually kill Alice. But yeah.
And that is as much as has been written at this point. The sad thing is, they've actually got me wanting to read more.
"My Skin" is written by Lady Clark-Weasley of Books and can be found on fanfiction.net at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5340740/1/My_Skin
I wrote this review for my own amusement and if anyone is offended I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do anything about it.
